folknazi (folknazi) wrote,

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God I need to sleep



                      I need to sleep. I've been awake ,sporadically speaking, all night. Now, I'm fully aware that this is
  largely because I haven't been  grocery shopping,and for the last few days when I've felt hungary, I've been
  drinking coffee(do not do this at home kids). I also realize that all the medical drama that my brother and I
  have been involved in, in the last 4 months could fuel at least 2 seasons of "Grey"s Anatomy"(a show that I find my self watching even though I despise it,go figure).And this does not help. But the main culprit here is
emotional turmoil. Now, I just turned 52, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING EMOTIONAL TURMOIL(S).

                   I have realized,to my chagrin that I have fallen in love with someone, not in like,not in lust, but in
love. Now I just turned 52, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FALLING IN LOVE.But I have. With a friend. Someone
that distance and circumstance would normally determine to be not a close friend. But someone I've always had
a large amount of admiration and respect for.Someone that when I do spend time with,we always have a good time. She's beautiful physically, she's an actor(she's a member of a theatre company near where she lives) ,a teacher(she's finishing up her Master's program in Special Ed.
at CSULA), and intensely dedicated to both pursuits. She's very intelligent,literate, talented , funny as hell,and posessed
of a huge heart. Did I mention  that I've fallen in love with her? Did I mention nothing's ever gonna come of it?

       Part of me wants to look her in her huge green eyes and tell her how I feel, even though that's proved to have cruel consequences for me in the past. Some would say to end the friendship.But that wouldt make me feel worse..And actually, I think it would make her feel bad as well. I think she holds a certain amount of value in
all her friends. And that's one more thing I love about her.

          So why am i posting this? I guess I thought if I read about my predicament on screen, it would heip me to deal with it. It hasn't though.

         God I need to sleep.





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